Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
