is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
