I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
