i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
