My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
