he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
