You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im holly from the hills drunk
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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