Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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