u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
