Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Randomize
