oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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