I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
