i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
