I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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