New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
