his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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