the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
