If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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