So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
