Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
