I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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