im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
