I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
