Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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