i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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