I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
