I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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