just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
