and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
