allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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