My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
