Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
