Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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