I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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