All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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