That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
