You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
