i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
