Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
