some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
