Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
