I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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