you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
