Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
