I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
