I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
