My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
