Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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