if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
