I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
